New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
