Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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