I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
