I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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