if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
