This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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