dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
