I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
