Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
