I'm really into asian looking animals
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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