Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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