Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
