Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
