Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
