i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
