I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
