I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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