if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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