Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
love makes seman taste better
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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