Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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