Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
