there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
