i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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