I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
