I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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