first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
