Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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