he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
