Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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