I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
