So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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