I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
