why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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