I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
