hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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