I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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