we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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