You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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