duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
