Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
