i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
