I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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