Ambien. No doubt about it.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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