I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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