I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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