Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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