I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
