There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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