This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
