yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
