I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
