Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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